Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I have pretty much had a constant headache, as a result of tension and lack of sleep. Though I will admit that for once, it is NOT a result of dehydration. Right now I feel like buzzzing around in small circles from the caffiene in my system. I am struggling to calmly sit at a desk and work. Though I am sure that my coworkers would love to see me running in tiny circles, sometimes office life is just not exciting enough.
The truth about today is that I have not found what I was looking for this week. I dont know the answers to my questions. I am still trying to decide what to do.
Is it wrong that we tell our sons and daughters stories of Princesses, Love, Happiness and Romance when most of them wont find it? Is it wrong to dream for something perfect? Or does it only cause dissapointment? How can we get what we want, if we dont dream for what we want? We have to dream! We have to believe that we can get it! BUT how can we be happy if all we do is dream for things we can't have?
I dont understnad.
Thank Goodness Excedrin
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It must be that I am a woman, but I feel like a million bucks, and I feel like bawling. I think (because I am SO tired!!!!) the first feeling lasted me all day, but now I will succumb to the second.
Monday, September 20, 2010
There was a moment today when I felt happier than I have felt in a while. You know that feeling when you are so excited you feel like you are about to burst? I was afraid to breathe to deep or I might blow into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel life in me, and I was to scream for JOY! I wonder that I could ever dare feel sad when I have been given so much. But then, I remember those moments. The ones that come to you when you are alone. Where a pit starts to form in your chest. It might be fear, uncertainty, pain, anger, regret, or loneliness. This "black hole" (for lack of a better description, 'cause I would rather not dwell on this feeling long enough to figure our a good description) sucks the life right out of me. I think at those moments there is only one successful source of comfort. Heavenly Father. Ironic that those are the hardest moments to reach out to Him.
I really have been blessed a lot recently. I have been given exactly what I needed to survive. I have also been given exactly what I needed to be allowed the circumstances to think and have appropriate alone time without distractions. I am grateful.
Tomorrow I am going to focus on being happy for others. I am too jealous, and underneath I do know that I am happy for them, it is just time to show it.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
1) I always assume that people are thinking the worst of me. Always. How awful is that? Who wants to go around always on the defensive and protective, and hurt? I really think my life would be much better if I could learn to change this habit.
At first, I thought this was an “it takes one to know one” sort of situation. Perhaps I thought others were thinking badly of me, because I was thinking badly of them. But I have been listening to my thoughts a lot, and I really don’t believe that I do that. I think 9.46 times out of 10 I give people the benefit of the doubt. I am sure this must be a self-esteem issue.
2) I am looking for an answer I am not going to find. I feel frustrated, like I am hitting the same problem over and over again. It is kind of like the car troubles Zach was having. No matter how many different things I try to fix, it is still not giving me the results I want. It is frustrating, and draining. It is time for me to make the answer for myself, and start looking for new questions.
And yet…..here I am…..still……
3) I hate looking at beautiful things I can’t have. This is not a good thing. The reason I hate seeing it, is because I am jealous. Not "angry jealous" but "sorry for myself jealous" I should learn to be happy for others, and I really feel like I usually can be, but I think I could do better. If I could learn to rejoice for the successes and beauty of others lives I would be happier, more grateful and more appreciative for what it is that I have.
But I have to admit…. I saw something so beautiful two days ago. It makes me heartsick to think I won’t have it. I can’t stop thinking about it!
4) I am pretty sure that the florescent lights at work are sucking the life out of me. Not really sure what to do about that. Good thing I spend most of my time in the FAB where curiosity and learning restore the life. I love my job!
I am glad to finally post this. I have had it waiting for quite some time.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
This week has taught me a lot. If you are not moving forward, you are most definitely moving backward. There is no stand still. This is why daily habits are so important. (Scriptures, prayer, cleaning, all of them) Also, it seems that I need to be reminded every other day, Where is my focus? It is eternal? Is is short lived? Where am I looking at the "grand scheme of things." Somehow it seems that I am always looking as just the next day. Not even to the next week......
Also, I learned about taxes. I don't even want to talk about it.
I also know, after this week, some things in my life HAVE to change. Change is hard to believe in... I think that more often than not, it seems like change does not even exsist. Sometimes big things happen and it feels like nothing will ever be the same, and somehow.... it is! But I cant live like this, and I am going to work on a couple small habits, with a little faith, and hope...... and that is it.
Friday, July 16, 2010
I hope that I can go to work with this attitude every day. I had a friend once, who never complained about going to work, because she loved it! I have never forgotten what an amazing attitude that was, and because she worked at Target, I doubt it was the company that made it that way, but her own choices!
Still haven’t gotten my paycheck yet though……sure looking forward to that……
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I wish my life was a storybook.
Decisions made in storybooks are so much easier than our decisions. Don't people realize that? Should the brother risk his life to fight in the war? YES! what a noble cause! What a hero he will surely be! Should the girl break up with her jerk of a boyfriend? Yes! Who could possibly love such an awful person! Should the main character risk loosing everything for a lover? YES! dont they realize how rare true love is?
But life is not like that.
Decisions are much harder.
The brother leaves behind a broken mother and father, and broken dreams, and comes home broken.
The girl's boyfriend is really a true sweetheart, who can just be a little nearsighted and impatient at times, and his heart is left broken.
The true love is simply infatuation. It dies quickly.
This is why life is NOT like the stories I read.
Friday, July 2, 2010
For example: when you are waiting. Waiting is perhaps one of the most unpleasant situations of life. Not horrific or unbearable but truly, gruelingly, achingly, agonizingly, second after second after second after second......unbearable. Hence my avid hate of bus stops, boring classes, and winter break.
Though on the other hand, those moments that are most important to us seem to slip from our fingers. It seems that we spend more time remembering and looking forward to these moments than we actually spend in those moments. Though it may be possible that this is only because the time passes so quickly.
Here is what I am realizing. Sometimes, we want to have an effect on the passage of time. We find small ways to accomplish this; movies, sleeping, breathing slowly, and hobbies. Though I am beginning to believe that time is always traveling fast. Always. What changes is our own grasp on the time. How well we are taking advantage of the time that we are given.
My time should be more valuable to me. My grasp on time changes when my perspective changes from past, present, and future. My goal is to be more effective, and efficient.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I discovered something today:
I have been graciously given the chance to come to Washington D.C. for a women's conference. While I have been here, I have been analyzing my outlook on women, particularly myself.
After a very enjoyable experience in the Air and Space Museum. I found myself standing in the line of a gift shop to buy a prism. You have each seen one before, a simple glass triangle that splits white light into its many colors. They really are beautiful objects, and so scientifically fasinating.
This prism perfectly describs my personallity. I enjoy science and math, and I have joy in my technical degree. I am very proud to be an Engineer, and I really believe that it is a part of my personality. Yet, I still love beautiful things. I love the science for its beauty! I love to get all dressed up, and spend hours decorating a room in a house!
This is why I believe to Organizations such as the Network of Enlightened Women. NeW provides an amazing support for conservative culture, and the attitude that feminism should have.
I got my frist blog posting on that blog, and I am very proud of it! Check it out!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I have to say that I often feel like I have more hard days that fantastic days. But today, I realize that these sweet moments are so sweet.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Days like these are the obstacles in the quest. Sometimes, we want to disappear. Sometimes we wish it was all over. Sometimes we want to pretend it away, or ignore it. Sometimes, our minds wander the darkest of pathways. We have to acknowledge that we all cry, and scream, we all wish and wait for things to be better. We all hope, not matter how small, we pray for the daylight.
This is part of life. Given, not to make us bitter, but to make us better. I suppose we must each learn for ourselves the silver lining, or the other door, everyone tells me is open.
I suppose in the end, we all find our own special way to crawl back to our holes, to try and nurture the wounds. Only some of us are lions.......
I wish I was a lion.
As such, I am not a lion, so I crawl back into my hole.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wienerschnizle cheese poppers
Ihop pankcakes, cream cheese and strowberries
ANY HUGE chimichanga, every type of salsa
Rubios fish tacos, with LOTS of lemon
Blizzard, french silk, please!
Snickerdoodles, and milk
Old Chicago Pizza, peperoni, why ruin a good thing? extra sauce please!
Hot Dogs, with relish and mustard (which is wierd, becaue i usually prefer hamburgers)
Grilled Cheese, perhaps a tuna melt, if you dont mind
It is amazing how you appreciate what you dont have.......
Monday, June 7, 2010
#2 I want a job. I do feel that this might be too General. One problem I have is that I have a hard time defining what I want here. But that is the point of this blog post! So here we go!
-I want the job for experience, so I can relate to other workers.
-I seem to have an affinity to environmental topics, Water purification, alternate fuels, pollution. Not sure why, but I have enjoyed the topics when they come up in school.
-I love the idea of lab work and research. It is learning! It may be tedious and repetitive, but I love it!
-I like process design
-I like working with people
-I want to stay in Phoenix
-I am a hard worker, and I am willing to work hard and put forth the work needed, but I would prefer not to work ridiculous hours, as I don't want to get burnt out
#3 CAR! I think I want an SUV.....which surprises me. More on this when I figure it out better.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
#1 I want quads
I think that when my family is out quadding, we bond better than we ever do. We are all happy, because we are having fun, and thrilled to be outdoors. We all get along together and we create memories that last forever. Every time I go way too crazy on an ATV, I feel a thrill, and I feel freedom, and I think I actually know what life is about. I think it is a fantastic habit for a family!
#2 I want a piano, and to teach all my kids to be musically talented
Playing the piano is the number 1 way to "unstressify" me. I NEED it, more than I can explain!
#3 I want to get married!
This is actually quite an accomplishment! I think I often rejected a home life, because I was scared of being trapped, and bored. But I think that I can have everything I want, while making my goal to be a mother in Israel my number one priority!
So these are the easy ones! Though I have to say, that number 3 was not easy to come by, and I only believe it about 87%, the resit is faith!
I have discovered something this week...... Cooking makes me happy! Literally, it doesn't take as long as I thought it did, and I can make and entire batch of cookies, and not eat a SINGLE COOKIE, and I am so happy that I have made others happy by making them!!!!! I have literally made several meals, and not eaten a single bite, and I get a huge amount of joy from it! Cooking makes me happy! As such, this new discovery brings a whole new list of wants!
#1 Fully stocked Pantry,
All the herbs, and seasonings you can thing of from cinnamon to curry!
Pots, and pans GALORE! Everything, mixing bowls, rolling pins, measuring, and a MIXER!
#2 GOOD (easy, practical, yummy) cookbooks!
#3 People, to feed!
I have a small cookbook, full of family favorites, my goal for the summer, is to cook EVERYTHING in the cook book. Though it is slightly unrealistic, (58 recipes) I think, like Julia and Julia is sounds really fun! I am glad to discover something else that makes me happy!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
1. I want to get married.
2. I want to go on a trip to California
3. I want to go on a cruise.
4. I want new clothes, specifically several summer skirts
5. I want about 5 new paris of flip flops,
6. I want to loose 10 lbs.
7. I want to be HAPPY every DAY!!!!!
8. I want a new car
9. I want all my dreams to come true including
- A happy marriage
- Meaningful vocation
- Extesive travel, and exposure to culture
10. I want a job.
I am sure I could go forever........
Monday, May 17, 2010
I wasn't sure that I would get to walk this semester in graduation. Some complications with my credits, and other misunderstandings, but then about a week before graduation, I found out that I COULD walk with all my freinds. I called my mom right away. She was so excited I had to send out about 60 graduation annoucements! I had so much fun. I really think that I will miss all my freinds at school, people that I never see in a social scene, but I saw more than my freinds.........I am so gratuful I got to be with my freinds at graduation. I am so glad that I have SO much family that supports me. Now.....I need a job.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
"that we might have Joy" ??????
I get this feeling sometimes. I feel confused. I don't know what the problems is, dispite the solution. I am trying to justify something I am not sure I was doing wrong, did I feel it was wrong only becasue outside influences, or because of an honest belief? Am I causing this confusing dispite my best ability correct it? why are we all going in circles?
It took the Isrealites 40 years to walk a distance that should have taken months. It took Nephi eight years to travel a distance that should have taken about 1/3 of a year. What is the point? Where they going in circles to? They all still got there, but why do we hold ourselves back? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I am trying.
I am going to listen with "ears that hear, and hearts that feel."
The amazing thing about what I am trying to say, is that usually this situation knocks my life out for days, but I feel much more motivated than usual to do all that I can do. This comes from supportive freinds who TRUELY want what is best for me. Meaning, they try to make me more Christ-like, and better.? It is really true I have such amzing friends?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I am so glad to be alive. Today, I have found plenty of things to complain about. But that is a mistake, sure I was late to class,and I am unprepared for all my tests coming up, and I am way behind on my job search, and all those lovely worries, but I am HEALTHY! and I have a BOY that LOVES me! I have food at home, and a part time JOB that I love! The sun is shining, and it is april and it is NOT hot outside yet! Seriously! I am on a path to having the life I have always wanted, and why do I complain as much as i do? I wish that I could just learn from my past mistakes, and be so glad that my life it is the way it is. I spend way too much time being disappointed in the past and future, what about today?
Seriously! TODAY I will become a much more grateful person. This is the day.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Mistakes are only regreted when unhappy.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I've been rain
I've been fooled
I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see
Lyrics to possibly my very most favorite song in the whole world. Here are a few more, for your entertianment. Guess what song, and typing the lyrics in google IS IN FACT cheating, so don't even think about it. 1 point each, 10 points for the one at the top.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something you can't replace
When you love something and it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guid you home....
Hey! Wait! Knock me down, and I'll get up again.
Oh! Pain! A remedy that can erase your sting.
I'll keep holding, and I'll keep trying,
I feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but I feel
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time.
That's probably enough. I think most of them are pretty hard, but who knows! maybe you are pretty amazing?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Here is where it gets interesting. I start to get all the important stuff down, and I am thinking "I might finish, I won't pass but I might finish" which is what is important, because in this class, she lets you do a rewrite, as long as you finish, and turn in the first copy! Then, of course, the printer wont work. Literally. I see TWO other people come in and print out there stuff..... and mine wont print. Once again, I am crying.....begging, please! print please!
I ended up turning in half the report in, and I was SOBBING when i sat in my seat. All my friends were looking, but I could barely stifle my sobs as I tried to be busy with my backpack! I am not even sure why I cried! I get a rewrite!
My friend Meg told me, to not be so hard on myself, and recognize that this was not me, and I didn't usually let this happen. She also gave me some great advise for my rewrite!
My boyfriend listened to my sob story on the way home, then said "That's enough" and through on a couple of my favorite songs, and danced the most amazing dance of his life. I was cured by the time we got home. What an amazing guy.
The point is.....w o w...... WOW!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Swallow your pride
Make way for the new bride
Holding your tongue
When they call another winner
Oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
She's like the wind
That boy couldn't sail
He says I've washed these decks for years
I've carried those pails
And oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
Does she hold you in the night
Does she tell you everything's gonna be alright
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
How does she feel
Captain oh my captain
Steer the first mate true
The men they sing a song of fear
Ghosts of ships who failed before
And the captain he is laughing
You can't control the sea
She will always do as she pleases
It's her nature to be free
And oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
Do you hold her in the night
Do you tell her everything's gonna be alright
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
I know how you feel
Oh, I knowOh, I know
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
How does she feel
The question I am asking (though of course i blieve I know the asnwer) is who is she? and Who is Mr. Golden Deal?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Don't worry, this is not really meant to make sense. If it did, I would be even more worried. I wish I had more confidence in my own judgment, and decisions. But even though I worry that I have grown up to be different than the person that I thought I was, the interesting thing is that, that might be a good thing.