Monday, September 27, 2010

Starting Over.

I feel so much hope.

I love being busy :) It makes me feel so important. Does everyone feel this way? or is this something that is just relevant to my personality?
It takes so much energy to be positive. But I think it is like exercising. If you can manage to spend the energy for a short while, you are rewarded with double the energy! But just like exercise, the reward is not something that can be bought.

I am so excited about this Christmas Choir that my friends and I work on.

Apparently I have skin that mosquitoes love. Go figure.

Oh, and by the way, I love ZB :)


Thursday, September 23, 2010


It is so sad, but I have to admit that I have only survived this week because of copious doses of Excedrin. Though, I should admit that "copious" in Kara's dictionary actually means "to take the actual recomemded dosage on the back of the bottle."

I have pretty much had a constant headache, as a result of tension and lack of sleep. Though I will admit that for once, it is NOT a result of dehydration. Right now I feel like buzzzing around in small circles from the caffiene in my system. I am struggling to calmly sit at a desk and work. Though I am sure that my coworkers would love to see me running in tiny circles, sometimes office life is just not exciting enough.

The truth about today is that I have not found what I was looking for this week. I dont know the answers to my questions. I am still trying to decide what to do.

Is it wrong that we tell our sons and daughters stories of Princesses, Love, Happiness and Romance when most of them wont find it? Is it wrong to dream for something perfect? Or does it only cause dissapointment? How can we get what we want, if we dont dream for what we want? We have to dream! We have to believe that we can get it! BUT how can we be happy if all we do is dream for things we can't have?

I dont understnad.

Thank Goodness Excedrin

Kara Joy

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Seeing who I am.

Today was a great day. It really was. But I need serious scriptures tonight for strength, and peace of mind. I wish I had time to run, I think it would help.

It must be that I am a woman, but I feel like a million bucks, and I feel like bawling. I think (because I am SO tired!!!!) the first feeling lasted me all day, but now I will succumb to the second.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Joy and Black Holes

I exercised twice today. Everyone has got to find their own methods of survival.

There was a moment today when I felt happier than I have felt in a while. You know that feeling when you are so excited you feel like you are about to burst? I was afraid to breathe to deep or I might blow into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel life in me, and I was to scream for JOY! I wonder that I could ever dare feel sad when I have been given so much. But then, I remember those moments. The ones that come to you when you are alone. Where a pit starts to form in your chest. It might be fear, uncertainty, pain, anger, regret, or loneliness. This "black hole" (for lack of a better description, 'cause I would rather not dwell on this feeling long enough to figure our a good description) sucks the life right out of me. I think at those moments there is only one successful source of comfort. Heavenly Father. Ironic that those are the hardest moments to reach out to Him.

I really have been blessed a lot recently. I have been given exactly what I needed to survive. I have also been given exactly what I needed to be allowed the circumstances to think and have appropriate alone time without distractions. I am grateful.

Tomorrow I am going to focus on being happy for others. I am too jealous, and underneath I do know that I am happy for them, it is just time to show it.


Friday, September 17, 2010

"Much Prayer and Fasting"

All bloggers have one thing in common. They all believe that they have something to share with some portion of the world. I think this must be true about myself. I have something to share with the world! For example; I exist as a contradiction. I am responsible and spontaneous and analytical but pathetically emotional, and my life makes perfect sense but I can't seem to make heads or tails of it. I believe that we (if you are human, and reading this post that means you) always more alike that we are different, and so I have to conclude that there are others out there also battling with the contradictions of their lives.

My life took a very interesting turn yesterday. I choose this totally emotionless word "interesting" to describe it because that is the goal of this week. I choose to not let my ecstatic emotions such as fear, happiness, depression, excitement, and passion make my decisions for me. Yesterday I found out just how alone I am. These shocking moments of my life come in cyclic patterns, it might be pride, or money, or dramma. Apparently it is time for me to remember loneliness.

As I ate my lunch, alone, today I realized that true faith lasts for about 15 mins for me. I can be thinking or praying or reading my scriptures and for 15 mins I feel the peace and reassurance that I recognize so well after all these years. However that leaves me to the rest of my day as fear slowly creeps in on me. I suppose it is easier to just say that there is a lot more I am trying to say than I am actually managing. To sum it up: I have confidence in the results of the next week.

Alma 17:3


Saturday, September 11, 2010

I kinda lost the "umph" that I needed to post anything for a while. The problem is that I have forgotten the purpose of this blog. This blog was designed to describe my adventures and the quest in becoming.....something, or anything. In a more simplified version, it was to let my friends and family know what I was doing :) It really has become a place where I put out into the world the thoughts that I struggle to put out there on my own. Though I haven't lost sight completely, I usually post about lessons I have learned or struggles that I need to overcome, the purpose has been lost nonetheless.

I am SO blessed! Right now, I live with three fantastic roommates, and my cousins cat. I recently got a job, which is such a blessing, and a funny story! I work Processesing wafers in a FAB, and it is so much fun. I feel so blessed to have gotten this job!

The cat and I? well, we fight a lot. But I love him to pieces. The problem is that we disagree on too many things. Like whether or not my arm is a good chew toy, or which bowl of food is his the 1) yucky brown hard stuff, or the 2) soft chicken mixed with cream of chicken and rice. Obviously, the chicken. Though overall I love having the company. He talks to me, and sleeps with me and I don't feel as lonely as I have been.

My job? It is so nice to earn money. I feel much more secure than I have in months, or even years. Even still I feel so guilty every time I buy something. This can't be healthy. SO! I made a list of all the things that I am going to want in my home someday. Nice things that I may not be able to afford as a new family. Every time I buy one, I get so excited! I just bought an IRON, a rowenta so that it will last forever.

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am not trying to be selfish, just grateful. SO many blessings.