I have made a few realizations about myself.
1) I always assume that people are thinking the worst of me. Always. How awful is that? Who wants to go around always on the defensive and protective, and hurt? I really think my life would be much better if I could learn to change this habit.
At first, I thought this was an “it takes one to know one” sort of situation. Perhaps I thought others were thinking badly of me, because I was thinking badly of them. But I have been listening to my thoughts a lot, and I really don’t believe that I do that. I think 9.46 times out of 10 I give people the benefit of the doubt. I am sure this must be a self-esteem issue.
2) I am looking for an answer I am not going to find. I feel frustrated, like I am hitting the same problem over and over again. It is kind of like the car troubles Zach was having. No matter how many different things I try to fix, it is still not giving me the results I want. It is frustrating, and draining. It is time for me to make the answer for myself, and start looking for new questions.
And yet…..here I am…..still……
3) I hate looking at beautiful things I can’t have. This is not a good thing. The reason I hate seeing it, is because I am jealous. Not "angry jealous" but "sorry for myself jealous" I should learn to be happy for others, and I really feel like I usually can be, but I think I could do better. If I could learn to rejoice for the successes and beauty of others lives I would be happier, more grateful and more appreciative for what it is that I have.
But I have to admit…. I saw something so beautiful two days ago. It makes me heartsick to think I won’t have it. I can’t stop thinking about it!
4) I am pretty sure that the florescent lights at work are sucking the life out of me. Not really sure what to do about that. Good thing I spend most of my time in the FAB where curiosity and learning restore the life. I love my job!
I am glad to finally post this. I have had it waiting for quite some time.
kp
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1 comment:
Dear Kara,
May I please make this comment with all the affection and love I have for you! I used to feel like you - that everyone was thinking badly of me. Then someone taught me that the problem was where my focus was - on ME! I was being self-centered, not other-centered or God-centered. Over time, as I realized how self-centered I really was, I learned how to forget myself and think of what other people need. I still work on it but it has become much easier. And it has made me care about and able to talk to most anyone. Anyway, hope this helps! Love - Susan (and if you want to know what helped me with jealousy - I used to have a big problem with that too - look on my blog. I wrote a whole entry about it.) I hope I'm not being too nosey!
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