Enough Said.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jy9r6H-czWA

Friday

Tomorrow, I am going to walk into work and the security guard is going to say "Welcome to Friday!" like he does every Friday, and it will make me so happy. I love Friday's. I was born on a Friday, my favorite Christmas memory was on a Friday, and.....well mostly, my birthday was on a Friday. But I now have an even better reason to love Friday

I am going to get married on a Friday.

Why? Because Friday is derived from the German "day of Frige" or the day of the Love Goddess, Kara... I mean Venus! (This of course I learned from Wikipedia and I wouldn't be surprised to find out it was wrong.)

And Because I love Fridays.

Thank goodness!

Starting Over.

I feel so much hope.

I love being busy :) It makes me feel so important. Does everyone feel this way? or is this something that is just relevant to my personality?

It takes so much energy to be positive. But I think it is like exercising. If you can manage to spend the energy for a short while, you are rewarded with double the energy! But just like exercise, the reward is not something that can be bought.

I am so excited about this Christmas Choir that my friends and I work on.

Apparently I have skin that mosquitoes love. Go figure.

Oh, and by the way, I love ZB :)

KP

Excedrin

It is so sad, but I have to admit that I have only survived this week because of copious doses of Excedrin. Though, I should admit that "copious" in Kara's dictionary actually means "to take the actual recomemded dosage on the back of the bottle."

I have pretty much had a constant headache, as a result of tension and lack of sleep. Though I will admit that for once, it is NOT a result of dehydration. Right now I feel like buzzzing around in small circles from the caffiene in my system. I am struggling to calmly sit at a desk and work. Though I am sure that my coworkers would love to see me running in tiny circles, sometimes office life is just not exciting enough.

The truth about today is that I have not found what I was looking for this week. I dont know the answers to my questions. I am still trying to decide what to do.

Is it wrong that we tell our sons and daughters stories of Princesses, Love, Happiness and Romance when most of them wont find it? Is it wrong to dream for something perfect? Or does it only cause dissapointment? How can we get what we want, if we dont dream for what we want? We have to dream! We have to believe that we can get it! BUT how can we be happy if all we do is dream for things we can't have?

I dont understnad.

Thank Goodness Excedrin

Kara Joy

Seeing who I am.

Today was a great day. It really was. But I need serious scriptures tonight for strength, and peace of mind. I wish I had time to run, I think it would help.

It must be that I am a woman, but I feel like a million bucks, and I feel like bawling. I think (because I am SO tired!!!!) the first feeling lasted me all day, but now I will succumb to the second.

Kara

Joy and Black Holes

I exercised twice today. Everyone has got to find their own methods of survival.

There was a moment today when I felt happier than I have felt in a while. You know that feeling when you are so excited you feel like you are about to burst? I was afraid to breathe to deep or I might blow into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel life in me, and I was to scream for JOY! I wonder that I could ever dare feel sad when I have been given so much. But then, I remember those moments. The ones that come to you when you are alone. Where a pit starts to form in your chest. It might be fear, uncertainty, pain, anger, regret, or loneliness. This "black hole" (for lack of a better description, 'cause I would rather not dwell on this feeling long enough to figure our a good description) sucks the life right out of me. I think at those moments there is only one successful source of comfort. Heavenly Father. Ironic that those are the hardest moments to reach out to Him.

I really have been blessed a lot recently. I have been given exactly what I needed to survive. I have also been given exactly what I needed to be allowed the circumstances to think and have appropriate alone time without distractions. I am grateful.

Tomorrow I am going to focus on being happy for others. I am too jealous, and underneath I do know that I am happy for them, it is just time to show it.

kp1

"Much Prayer and Fasting"

All bloggers have one thing in common. They all believe that they have something to share with some portion of the world. I think this must be true about myself. I have something to share with the world! For example; I exist as a contradiction. I am responsible and spontaneous and analytical but pathetically emotional, and my life makes perfect sense but I can't seem to make heads or tails of it. I believe that we (if you are human, and reading this post that means you) always more alike that we are different, and so I have to conclude that there are others out there also battling with the contradictions of their lives.

My life took a very interesting turn yesterday. I choose this totally emotionless word "interesting" to describe it because that is the goal of this week. I choose to not let my ecstatic emotions such as fear, happiness, depression, excitement, and passion make my decisions for me. Yesterday I found out just how alone I am. These shocking moments of my life come in cyclic patterns, it might be pride, or money, or dramma. Apparently it is time for me to remember loneliness.

As I ate my lunch, alone, today I realized that true faith lasts for about 15 mins for me. I can be thinking or praying or reading my scriptures and for 15 mins I feel the peace and reassurance that I recognize so well after all these years. However that leaves me to the rest of my day as fear slowly creeps in on me. I suppose it is easier to just say that there is a lot more I am trying to say than I am actually managing. To sum it up: I have confidence in the results of the next week.

Alma 17:3

Kara

I kinda lost the "umph" that I needed to post anything for a while. The problem is that I have forgotten the purpose of this blog. This blog was designed to describe my adventures and the quest in becoming.....something, or anything. In a more simplified version, it was to let my friends and family know what I was doing :) It really has become a place where I put out into the world the thoughts that I struggle to put out there on my own. Though I haven't lost sight completely, I usually post about lessons I have learned or struggles that I need to overcome, the purpose has been lost nonetheless.

I am SO blessed! Right now, I live with three fantastic roommates, and my cousins cat. I recently got a job, which is such a blessing, and a funny story! I work Processesing wafers in a FAB, and it is so much fun. I feel so blessed to have gotten this job!

The cat and I? well, we fight a lot. But I love him to pieces. The problem is that we disagree on too many things. Like whether or not my arm is a good chew toy, or which bowl of food is his the 1) yucky brown hard stuff, or the 2) soft chicken mixed with cream of chicken and rice. Obviously, the chicken. Though overall I love having the company. He talks to me, and sleeps with me and I don't feel as lonely as I have been.

My job? It is so nice to earn money. I feel much more secure than I have in months, or even years. Even still I feel so guilty every time I buy something. This can't be healthy. SO! I made a list of all the things that I am going to want in my home someday. Nice things that I may not be able to afford as a new family. Every time I buy one, I get so excited! I just bought an IRON, a rowenta so that it will last forever.

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am not trying to be selfish, just grateful. SO many blessings.

K

Gratitude.

Gratitude is an amazing virtue. The sad thing about virtues is that the words are far too often overused. This results in a "glance over" of some of life's most important lessons. Gratitude is one of them. Here are some simple principles related to gratitude.

1- Grateful hearts are happy hearts. Taking a moment to be grateful for your blessings makes you happy.

2- Gratitude keeps you humble. Usually humility is seen as a weakness. But humility is the antithesis of arrogance, and pride. Humility doesn't mean "poor." In fact, humility is what brings our lives and the lives of others into perspective. The richest man in the world could be humble and greater because of it, when he is grateful.

3- Gratitude is the key to effective prayers. Never forget that.

Kara

Beauty.

I saw the beautiful thing again today. Why does it insist on following me?

Recent Insights

I have made a few realizations about myself.

1) I always assume that people are thinking the worst of me. Always. How awful is that? Who wants to go around always on the defensive and protective, and hurt? I really think my life would be much better if I could learn to change this habit.

At first, I thought this was an “it takes one to know one” sort of situation. Perhaps I thought others were thinking badly of me, because I was thinking badly of them. But I have been listening to my thoughts a lot, and I really don’t believe that I do that. I think 9.46 times out of 10 I give people the benefit of the doubt. I am sure this must be a self-esteem issue.

2) I am looking for an answer I am not going to find. I feel frustrated, like I am hitting the same problem over and over again. It is kind of like the car troubles Zach was having. No matter how many different things I try to fix, it is still not giving me the results I want. It is frustrating, and draining. It is time for me to make the answer for myself, and start looking for new questions.

And yet…..here I am…..still……

3) I hate looking at beautiful things I can’t have. This is not a good thing. The reason I hate seeing it, is because I am jealous. Not "angry jealous" but "sorry for myself jealous" I should learn to be happy for others, and I really feel like I usually can be, but I think I could do better. If I could learn to rejoice for the successes and beauty of others lives I would be happier, more grateful and more appreciative for what it is that I have.

But I have to admit…. I saw something so beautiful two days ago. It makes me heartsick to think I won’t have it. I can’t stop thinking about it!

4) I am pretty sure that the florescent lights at work are sucking the life out of me. Not really sure what to do about that. Good thing I spend most of my time in the FAB where curiosity and learning restore the life. I love my job!

I am glad to finally post this. I have had it waiting for quite some time.

kp

Feelings.....

Emotions drive me crazy. Today was a bizarre day. I feel like I spent the majority of the day serving and working. In other words, I tried yesterday and today to be particularly accommodating and helpful, and do what I should. However, I had these bursts of impatience. I am not sure where they came from! I am somewhat worried about it. I did not feel myself. All I want is to be happy....... I suppose....it could be anger. I feel a little bit of anger, and I feel like it is coming out on everyone else........nah.......

This week has taught me a lot. If you are not moving forward, you are most definitely moving backward. There is no stand still. This is why daily habits are so important. (Scriptures, prayer, cleaning, all of them) Also, it seems that I need to be reminded every other day, Where is my focus? It is eternal? Is is short lived? Where am I looking at the "grand scheme of things." Somehow it seems that I am always looking as just the next day. Not even to the next week......

Also, I learned about taxes. I don't even want to talk about it.

I also know, after this week, some things in my life HAVE to change. Change is hard to believe in... I think that more often than not, it seems like change does not even exsist. Sometimes big things happen and it feels like nothing will ever be the same, and somehow.... it is! But I cant live like this, and I am going to work on a couple small habits, with a little faith, and hope...... and that is it.

p

Growing up......

I started a new job this week! I am so glad that it is Friday! My feet hurt so bad, and I am so tired! But I LOVE IT! I really don’t have a clue how that happened! As a Process Engineer for EVGroup (a Semiconductor Manufacturer) I will spend most of my day in a clean room, possessing wafers. I get the opportunity to travel and I work with great people. So far the work seems to be reasonable, and the time passes really quickly because I am so busy with my hands! I am incredibly happy to be part of this organization.

I hope that I can go to work with this attitude every day. I had a friend once, who never complained about going to work, because she loved it! I have never forgotten what an amazing attitude that was, and because she worked at Target, I doubt it was the company that made it that way, but her own choices!

Still haven’t gotten my paycheck yet though……sure looking forward to that……

Joy!!!!

Storybooks

I met an Australian couple on a cruise, and the wife called cheesy novels "chewing gum for the mind." I was reading some of this chewing gum and realized something.

I wish my life was a storybook.

Decisions made in storybooks are so much easier than our decisions. Don't people realize that? Should the brother risk his life to fight in the war? YES! what a noble cause! What a hero he will surely be! Should the girl break up with her jerk of a boyfriend? Yes! Who could possibly love such an awful person! Should the main character risk loosing everything for a lover? YES! dont they realize how rare true love is?

But life is not like that.

Decisions are much harder.

The brother leaves behind a broken mother and father, and broken dreams, and comes home broken.
The girl's boyfriend is really a true sweetheart, who can just be a little nearsighted and impatient at times, and his heart is left broken.
The true love is simply infatuation. It dies quickly.

This is why life is NOT like the stories I read.

k

Relativity.....

Today as the hours were slowly, and yet not so slowly, creeping away from me; I was thinking about the relativity of time. It is amazing how when you are in an unpleasant situation time can screech on forever!

For example: when you are waiting. Waiting is perhaps one of the most unpleasant situations of life. Not horrific or unbearable but truly, gruelingly, achingly, agonizingly, second after second after second after second......unbearable. Hence my avid hate of bus stops, boring classes, and winter break.

Though on the other hand, those moments that are most important to us seem to slip from our fingers. It seems that we spend more time remembering and looking forward to these moments than we actually spend in those moments. Though it may be possible that this is only because the time passes so quickly.

Here is what I am realizing. Sometimes, we want to have an effect on the passage of time. We find small ways to accomplish this; movies, sleeping, breathing slowly, and hobbies. Though I am beginning to believe that time is always traveling fast. Always. What changes is our own grasp on the time. How well we are taking advantage of the time that we are given.

My time should be more valuable to me. My grasp on time changes when my perspective changes from past, present, and future. My goal is to be more effective, and efficient.

Kara

Prisms, and Women.

I discovered something today:

I have been graciously given the chance to come to Washington D.C. for a women's conference. While I have been here, I have been analyzing my outlook on women, particularly myself.

After a very enjoyable experience in the Air and Space Museum. I found myself standing in the line of a gift shop to buy a prism. You have each seen one before, a simple glass triangle that splits white light into its many colors. They really are beautiful objects, and so scientifically fasinating.

This prism perfectly describs my personallity. I enjoy science and math, and I have joy in my technical degree. I am very proud to be an Engineer, and I really believe that it is a part of my personality. Yet, I still love beautiful things. I love the science for its beauty! I love to get all dressed up, and spend hours decorating a room in a house!

This is why I believe to Organizations such as the Network of Enlightened Women. NeW provides an amazing support for conservative culture, and the attitude that feminism should have.

http://www.enlightenedwomen.org/blog/

I got my frist blog posting on that blog, and I am very proud of it! Check it out!

Kara

Sweet Moments.

Life can be SO hard! Sometimes it is almost impossible to see beyond your own nose. But I am sure it is not supposed to be this way.

I have to say that I often feel like I have more hard days that fantastic days. But today, I realize that these sweet moments are so sweet.

JOY!

Blessings!

I needed to be reminded this week, that someone is taking care of me. Sometimes it is SO easy to forget, and so I wanted to remind all my readers that you aren't alone. Really, you aren't! I thought I was, but someone is watching out for all my needs and blessing me, I just have to sincerely ask. Which, I think is a fair agreement, I can do that :)

Kara Joy!

me

This is me
the day after yesterday
Now I know,
that I am failing
This is me
Wanting healing, wanting peace
This is not
Who I was meant to be!

I might be wrong,
I might be right,
One thing's for certain
I'm sick of running,
Running
Running


kp

Bad Day.

I once found out that there were people who actually read this blog. I was really nervous, because I have this bad habit of only posting when I am depressed. I promised myself that wouldn't happen anymore. My blog was a place for happiness and success in my quest! But I find the need tonight to break that rule. I hope my post does not scare anyone, these are the thoughts of a broken heart, but a healing one.

Days like these are the obstacles in the quest. Sometimes, we want to disappear. Sometimes we wish it was all over. Sometimes we want to pretend it away, or ignore it. Sometimes, our minds wander the darkest of pathways. We have to acknowledge that we all cry, and scream, we all wish and wait for things to be better. We all hope, not matter how small, we pray for the daylight.

This is part of life. Given, not to make us bitter, but to make us better. I suppose we must each learn for ourselves the silver lining, or the other door, everyone tells me is open.

I suppose in the end, we all find our own special way to crawl back to our holes, to try and nurture the wounds. Only some of us are lions.......

I wish I was a lion.

As such, I am not a lion, so I crawl back into my hole.

k

What I Want (Tangent)

Today, all I could think about was food..... Here is what I want

Wienerschnizle cheese poppers
Ihop pankcakes, cream cheese and strowberries
ANY HUGE chimichanga, every type of salsa
Rubios fish tacos, with LOTS of lemon
Blizzard, french silk, please!
Snickerdoodles, and milk
Old Chicago Pizza, peperoni, why ruin a good thing? extra sauce please!
Hot Dogs, with relish and mustard (which is wierd, becaue i usually prefer hamburgers)
Grilled Cheese, perhaps a tuna melt, if you dont mind

It is amazing how you appreciate what you dont have.......

Hungry Kara

What I want: Part 2

#1 I have been thinking about friends a lot. I like friends. I like to be surrounded by people all the time. I think what I really want is two or three close "couple" friends. I like the idea of have a girl friend, who's husband/significant other is a great friend of my husband/significant other...... A couple who is in a similar place in life, one we see often, and enjoy. Kinda like the movies, but life is never the movies. Nonetheless it is something I want.



#2 I want a job. I do feel that this might be too General. One problem I have is that I have a hard time defining what I want here. But that is the point of this blog post! So here we go!
-Well paying!
-I want the job for experience, so I can relate to other workers.
-I seem to have an affinity to environmental topics, Water purification, alternate fuels, pollution. Not sure why, but I have enjoyed the topics when they come up in school.
-I love the idea of lab work and research. It is learning! It may be tedious and repetitive, but I love it!
-I like process design
-I like working with people
-I want to stay in Phoenix
-I am a hard worker, and I am willing to work hard and put forth the work needed, but I would prefer not to work ridiculous hours, as I don't want to get burnt out


#3 CAR! I think I want an SUV.....which surprises me. More on this when I figure it out better.

Kara

What I want: Part I

There are a couple things it is REALLY easy to say I want.

#1 I want quads



I think that when my family is out quadding, we bond better than we ever do. We are all happy, because we are having fun, and thrilled to be outdoors. We all get along together and we create memories that last forever. Every time I go way too crazy on an ATV, I feel a thrill, and I feel freedom, and I think I actually know what life is about. I think it is a fantastic habit for a family!

#2 I want a piano, and to teach all my kids to be musically talented



Playing the piano is the number 1 way to "unstressify" me. I NEED it, more than I can explain!

#3 I want to get married!

This is actually quite an accomplishment! I think I often rejected a home life, because I was scared of being trapped, and bored. But I think that I can have everything I want, while making my goal to be a mother in Israel my number one priority!

So these are the easy ones! Though I have to say, that number 3 was not easy to come by, and I only believe it about 87%, the resit is faith!

I have discovered something this week...... Cooking makes me happy! Literally, it doesn't take as long as I thought it did, and I can make and entire batch of cookies, and not eat a SINGLE COOKIE, and I am so happy that I have made others happy by making them!!!!! I have literally made several meals, and not eaten a single bite, and I get a huge amount of joy from it! Cooking makes me happy! As such, this new discovery brings a whole new list of wants!


#1 Fully stocked Pantry,

All the herbs, and seasonings you can thing of from cinnamon to curry!
Pots, and pans GALORE! Everything, mixing bowls, rolling pins, measuring, and a MIXER!

#2 GOOD (easy, practical, yummy) cookbooks!

#3 People, to feed!


I have a small cookbook, full of family favorites, my goal for the summer, is to cook EVERYTHING in the cook book. Though it is slightly unrealistic, (58 recipes) I think, like Julia and Julia is sounds really fun! I am glad to discover something else that makes me happy!

Joy!

Hope.....

I am sure any of my female friends, will find this absolutely entertaining.

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are. ~Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1899

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? ~Linda Ellerbee

There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~Author Unknown

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle. ~Rita Mae Bro

I got all these from this website......enjoy! http://www.quotegarden.com/men.html

Now to today's blog....I once heard a quote Twain I believe (but i couldn't find it on google) So i repeat it the best that I can "I can show any man in the world how to get what he wants, you show me a man who knows what he wants...." This is how I feel.....recently I complain a lot because I don't feel like my life has turned out to be what I want......But let me make a VERY important point. I HAVE gotten everything I KNEW I wanted. For example:

I wanted to go to England....I went

I wanted to graduate college....I did!

I wanted a full ride scholarship.....it was, and my car, and gas, and rent, and books and England!

I wanted to move out before I married.....I like out of my parents home now

I wanted to buy my own car......500 VWJ!

I wanted to graduate High School with Honors......for anyone who knows me.....

Do I need to go on?

The problem is, sometimes all we know is what we DON'T want! but this isn't good enough! There could be millions of things we don't want. we HAVE to know exactly WHAT we want.

Today I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time. I really believe if I can decide what it is that I want, I will get it! Haven't I already proved this to myself? How did I forget that? Are you ready to decide what it is that makes you happy?

Here is the goal for the summer......To develop exactly what it is I want. I don't think it needs to be detailed, or have many things on it. Just the few joys that make me happy. Every time I post, for the next few posts, I think this will be the theme......

I have absolutely no doubt that one bad day, could make me forget this......So today, I will go as far as I can on this feeling, and we will see where it ends up! One thing I know for sure is I want to be happy, and I think this will Help!

Kara

Greedy Moment

I am feeling incredibly greedy/needy tonight. I decided to write myself a Christmas list of sorts. Mostly to sort my thoughs, and find some sort of conclusion. So, for your enjoyment, my wants....

1. I want to get married.
2. I want to go on a trip to California
3. I want to go on a cruise.
4. I want new clothes, specifically several summer skirts
5. I want about 5 new paris of flip flops,
6. I want to loose 10 lbs.
7. I want to be HAPPY every DAY!!!!!
8. I want a new car
9. I want all my dreams to come true including
- A happy marriage
- Meaningful vocation
- Extesive travel, and exposure to culture
10. I want a job.

I am sure I could go forever........

KP

Graduation!

I wasn't sure that I would get to walk this semester in graduation. Some complications with my credits, and other misunderstandings, but then about a week before graduation, I found out that I COULD walk with all my freinds. I called my mom right away. She was so excited I had to send out about 60 graduation annoucements! I had so much fun. I really think that I will miss all my freinds at school, people that I never see in a social scene, but I saw more than my freinds.........I am so gratuful I got to be with my freinds at graduation. I am so glad that I have SO much family that supports me. Now.....I need a job.

yay!

Death and Life

It's official. We are never who we thought we would grow up to be. The sooner we accept this, the happier we are.

However controversial this statement, I declare my freedom of speech with it.

Kara

...

What The Heck.

Childhood Battles.

Life is Hard.

Capital H.

"that we might have Joy" ??????

I get this feeling sometimes. I feel confused. I don't know what the problems is, dispite the solution. I am trying to justify something I am not sure I was doing wrong, did I feel it was wrong only becasue outside influences, or because of an honest belief? Am I causing this confusing dispite my best ability correct it? why are we all going in circles?

It took the Isrealites 40 years to walk a distance that should have taken months. It took Nephi eight years to travel a distance that should have taken about 1/3 of a year. What is the point? Where they going in circles to? They all still got there, but why do we hold ourselves back? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I wont.

I am trying.

I am going to listen with "ears that hear, and hearts that feel."

The amazing thing about what I am trying to say, is that usually this situation knocks my life out for days, but I feel much more motivated than usual to do all that I can do. This comes from supportive freinds who TRUELY want what is best for me. Meaning, they try to make me more Christ-like, and better.? It is really true I have such amzing friends?

Joy.

.

Significant Other....

This morning I received a text message that said " Good Morning my dear sleepy pantelones!" Hahahahaha, I have to admit that it's " Just another normal thing I've come to expect." Everyday I get little treasures delivered to me by this modern means of communication. All the way from "shnookums" to "baby doll." Now, as masculine as men can be, I am not sure how the boyfriend will take to reading this in such a public place, but for all those girls out there, I am the luckiest girl alive.

I am so glad to be alive. Today, I have found plenty of things to complain about. But that is a mistake, sure I was late to class,and I am unprepared for all my tests coming up, and I am way behind on my job search, and all those lovely worries, but I am HEALTHY! and I have a BOY that LOVES me! I have food at home, and a part time JOB that I love! The sun is shining, and it is april and it is NOT hot outside yet! Seriously! I am on a path to having the life I have always wanted, and why do I complain as much as i do? I wish that I could just learn from my past mistakes, and be so glad that my life it is the way it is. I spend way too much time being disappointed in the past and future, what about today?

Seriously! TODAY I will become a much more grateful person. This is the day.

Kara

Happyness.

Wisdom is only appreicated, by an anxious listener.
Mistakes are only regreted when unhappy.

A voice is meant to be heard.

Yet more often than not....

Wisdom falls short to pride.

Mistakes are meant to be made.

Voices clash together.

And as such......

Wisdom is lost to ages.

Happiness is lost to implulse.

Voises are lost in the noise.

Songs of my Life

I've been poisen
I've been rain
I've been fooled
Again
I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see
Home

Lyrics to possibly my very most favorite song in the whole world. Here are a few more, for your entertianment. Guess what song, and typing the lyrics in google IS IN FACT cheating, so don't even think about it. 1 point each, 10 points for the one at the top.

[1]
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something you can't replace
When you love something and it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guid you home....

[2]
Hey! Wait! Knock me down, and I'll get up again.
Oh! Pain! A remedy that can erase your sting.
I'll keep holding, and I'll keep trying,
I feel this fight, it is slowly dying now but I feel
Painless

[3]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

[4]
Waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

[5]
I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time.

That's probably enough. I think most of them are pretty hard, but who knows! maybe you are pretty amazing?

Kara joy

STREEEEESSSSS!

I had a very interesting experience on Friday...... I had this rather large project for my Senior Design class. We were instructed to improve the CO2 emissions for any AZ power plant. I worked at a pace, that I thought was appropriate, however I still ended up with way too much work to finish it in time. Therefore, Thursday night, I began what I KNEW was going to be an all-nighter. As i worked, I got progressively more tired, til finally, I decided to make myself a pizza to help me stay awake, and as I put it in, I reasoned that with the timer, I could lie down for just a few mins...... 5 hours later, I woke up to one of the most horrible realities. I cried so hard. I wrote down what was the worst report of my life, and had my boyfriend drive me to school so I could continue to write.

Here is where it gets interesting. I start to get all the important stuff down, and I am thinking "I might finish, I won't pass but I might finish" which is what is important, because in this class, she lets you do a rewrite, as long as you finish, and turn in the first copy! Then, of course, the printer wont work. Literally. I see TWO other people come in and print out there stuff..... and mine wont print. Once again, I am crying.....begging, please! print please!

I ended up turning in half the report in, and I was SOBBING when i sat in my seat. All my friends were looking, but I could barely stifle my sobs as I tried to be busy with my backpack! I am not even sure why I cried! I get a rewrite!

My friend Meg told me, to not be so hard on myself, and recognize that this was not me, and I didn't usually let this happen. She also gave me some great advise for my rewrite!

My boyfriend listened to my sob story on the way home, then said "That's enough" and through on a couple of my favorite songs, and danced the most amazing dance of his life. I was cured by the time we got home. What an amazing guy.

The point is.....w o w...... WOW!

The end!

These aren'ts original, i only wish i could write like this :D

Swallow your pride
Make way for the new bride
Holding your tongue
When they call another winner
Oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
She's like the wind
That boy couldn't sail
He says I've washed these decks for years
I've carried those pails
And oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
Does she hold you in the night
Does she tell you everything's gonna be alright
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
How does she feel
Captain oh my captain
Steer the first mate true
The men they sing a song of fear
Ghosts of ships who failed before
And the captain he is laughing
You can't control the sea
She will always do as she pleases
It's her nature to be free
And oh there is more to this life
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
Tell me how does she feel
Do you hold her in the night
Do you tell her everything's gonna be alright
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
I know how you feel
Oh, I knowOh, I know
Hey Mr. Golden Deal
How does she feel

The question I am asking (though of course i blieve I know the asnwer) is who is she? and Who is Mr. Golden Deal?

Last First Day

School has started, this is my last official semester of school! What will I do with myself. I have to say that i never really got the chance to recouperate this winter. I overheard a conversation of bored boys complaining that the holiday was too short, and I almost smacked them...... Maybe if I just pretend school away....... it will never catch up to me? Then I start thinking about what i DO want, and I realise i don't want to be sitting at home all day, so i might as well go to school..... I guess.

When, and why?

It is surprising, the realization I have been making the last few days. It's like I have been here before, but I can't remember when, or why. I find that I can discover a solution, but I am unable to believe that is really the solution, because it has a tendency to change in a split second. My view on life is as sporadic as a teenager's mood swings. Maybe that's my problem...... See? I don't even make sense now. I wish I could force myself to think more ...... clearly. But it all clearly comes down to the fact, that "I am not who I thought I was."

Don't worry, this is not really meant to make sense. If it did, I would be even more worried. I wish I had more confidence in my own judgment, and decisions. But even though I worry that I have grown up to be different than the person that I thought I was, the interesting thing is that, that might be a good thing.

Kara Joy